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May 27, 2006

our fantastical future history

by sven at 8:00 am

At our "house adoption" party we handed out comment cards printed with this mesage:

Please write about an outrageous fictional event that will happen at our new house sometime during the next ten years. A little after 8pm we'll be walking over to the studio side of the house, and then we'll read aloud the fantastical future history.

The foretold events have now been meticulously assembled into their proper chronological order... At last the story can be told!


Fueled by the success of Sven's film at the HPL film festival, the house becomes a gathering point for Lovecraft fans. Each fall, dozens of people from across the country camp out on the lawn. Eventually, when an argument over how to pronounce "ftagn" erupts into fisticuffs, the police put an end to the shantytown.


The spirit of Mothra possesses the giant butterfly on the wall and proceeds to fly around the neighborhood, dive-bombing at random.

the aforementioned butterfly


You will be visited by an unruly llama from northern Peru. You will need to devise inventive ways to pacify him. (Fortunately, he happened to arrive on the day of your annual goat cheese festival.) Alas, the fabulous feta has soothed the savage beast, and he'll remain with you for the following years in which you'll knit colorful socks and scarves from his wool.


All of the shirts in your closets will wake in the night and sneak out to go dancing on the butte with the food they steal from the fridge!


In the year 2010, Gretchin will walk downstairs to boil her morning tea. She will find massive cracks running through the vinyl and carpeting, and the ground pushing through. Out of these gaping holes will pour seething masses of ants. Ants as thick as ocean waves. Raging and roiling heaps of them, opening the fridge and investigating every corner of the house. In horror, Gretchin will move about the house by standing on one chair and then positioning a second chair and stepping onto it. Sven decides to buy a blowtorch to rid them of the pestilence. When he torches the ants, only more pour out from the depths of ant Hell. Eventually Sven and Gretchin capitalize on their misfortune and start selling ant pies. Ant soap. Ant soup. Ant shampoo... Lots of organic ant products.


4:45am, 2012
Gretchin is awoken by an odd beeping noise. She walks the house seeking the source.

Unable to find the source, Gretchin wakes Sven. She explains that the beeping has changed tone and frequency a few times and seems to originate from the vicinity of the garage. As they descend the stairs, the beeping takes on a musical quality.

Sven and Gretchin open the door to the crawl space under the house and find it flooded with a rich, color-shifting light that is synched with the now nearly erratic beeping. Their eyes adjust and they make out the small metallic object hovering a foot off the ground.

Gretchin is shocked to realize the visitor is an alien robot...

...Sven is shocked to realize he can understand the robot, and begins to formulate his response...


In 2012, Sven and Gretchin run for president, vowing to co-facilitate the nation with fairness and Collage Nights for all. Once again at the forefront of the digital revolution, the campaign is orchestrated entirely from Powell Butte via the art blog "Scarlet Letters." The "Svetchin" party's overwhelming victory inaugurates a new golden age of American creativity... Which lasts until the artists dissolve all countries and planet Earth joins an intergalactic federation of planets.


At 3am the Russian mafiyah bursts into the house and dances a mazurka.


There will be a fab musical theater production put on by a visiting theater/dance troupe, sort of like a vaudeville troupe, from another galaxy. Sven and Gretchin will like them so much that they will go on tour with them for a year.


After the alien abduction Sven and Gretchin aren't quite the same. To restore normality, they purchase 3472 rolls of aluminum foil and 97 tubes of crazy glue to redecorate both the inside and outside of the house. Their plan works beautifully and they make the cover of Modern Art magazine.


Willie Nelson on his 80th birthday tour gets lost while trying to find I-205 to go South to his next concert in Silverton. Somehow his bus ends up going East on Holgate and then up Raymond. He finally, even though he is still a man, gets out at [our street address] to ask directions.

[Editor's note: Willie Nelson was born April 30, 1933. Presumably, then, this event takes place in 2013.]


"Gretchin?" Sven called out distractedly --


"Did ya remember to curb the winsnippets?"

It was the tenth anniversary of the Centaurian occupation, and the whole street was abuzz with preparations for Enunciator Day.

"Damn!" cried Gretchin, "I did not!"

"But the hognobbets are coming to visit! An uncurbed winsnippet... And zoola in the midst of his cyclic!"

"Not to worry," called Gretchin, "I'll just swap them with the Eeklamorphs!"


A gnome will return and live in the attic, creating havoc and many eerie bumps in the night.

Mari, hunter of gnomes


Just as you are about to pay off the house [in 2036], a host of angels in 3-piece suits come to the door. You let them stay in the studio, where they defeat the Nigerian spam syndicate. The world rejoices and there is peace on Earth, good will to men.

posted by sven | May 27, 2006 8:00 AM | categories: miscellany, studio space